Here's to the Nights
by mike930
Summary: A series of vignettes from Seasons 1- post Chosen detailing the WX dynamic. Set to the Eve 6 song.


Author: Michael Obermeier  
Email:  
Title: Here's to the Nights  
Pairing: Willow/Xander  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: The character's are Joss Whedon's and the lyrics are from the  
Eve 6 song "Here's to the Night". Sorry about the songfic, but this one's  
been on the burner for awhile.  
Genre: Vignettes, Songfic  
Warning: Slight Angst  
Summary: Eight Vignettes from Xander and Willow's perspectives. A  
progression from season 1 to after season 7  
Feedback: Please.  
Author's Note: The Season 6 vignette was originally my stand-alone fic "Just  
for Once." I'd been writing several of these things, so I figured it was  
time to put them together. Enjoy.

It's funny. I can still remember the first time I met him, sitting there in class with his long hair. He was the only boy with long hair in the class! And he was the only boy who smiled at me.

That was a long time ago. And my world keeps falling down around me.

Do you know, when I first saw him... I just knew that we were gonna get married one day. Maybe have a bunch of kids, a nice house—maybe be happy.

A childhood folly, of course. Xander's always been completely blind where I'm concerned. And especially in the love department.

He actually had the balls to ask me to the prom as his _second_ choice! Buffy, don't get me wrong because she's a wonderful girl, Buffy was his first pick! Numero Uno! And he's only known her for a year!

It's not hard to see why, of course. He's a teenage boy. And she's hot. And of course he can't take notice of me, mousy, geeky, Sears-catalogue Willow. Sigh.

Maybe my dreams will come true someday. Maybe it all will work out, and we'll get married and be happy and have our house and dog and kids. Maybe... hopefully... but probably not.

_So denied so I lied _

_Are you the now or never kind?_

_In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again_

_Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight?_

"Oz?"

"Yeah baby?"

Knife to the heart right there. Yeah, that's me. The other guy. The goofy, self-deprecating loser. The comic relief.

The Zeppo.

I hear myself say something and rush out of the room. It's funny how she's made my life complete for so long. And how I never even noticed.

Well, something's missing now. The only thing worthwhile is gone from my life.

She wanted me. I wanted everyone else. But the funny thing is that, when she was ripped _out_ of my life again, I only wanted her.

Maybe she's all I've ever wanted.

Too bad it wasn't me she heard.

_Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well_

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_

_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_

_Here's to goodbye _

_Tomorrow's gonna come too soo_n

Ever get the feeling that you're the only one not in on the joke? Yeah, that's been the last year of my life.

We had something. Really, really had something. I knew what he was thinking before he thought it... and he knew just how to get to my heart. Funny how a year can take the very good and make it the very, very bad.

I used to think of him as this... I dunno, this _icon_ of what I wanted. No, scratch that. I only wanted him.

The trouble with that is that he didn't want me at all.

The one he wanted was, typically, the unattainable. Cordelia Chase. The bitch monster. The ice queen. Public enemy number one.

The universe was probably getting a real kick from watching him rip my heart out. Again. And then it probably got a second helping from watching as I let him do it. Again.

I thought I'd moved on. I mean, come on. What I had compared to what I'd wanted? Not even close. Oz was king of my life.

At the time, I thought Xander resented him for that alone. Xander was used to being Willow's top dog. He was the center of my life for over a decade; that's not something you just get over.

I was wrong. Xander didn't resent Oz for being my main man.

He hated my boyfriend. And he hated him because Oz was everything I needed in my life. He was funny, quiet, smart, hot... Xander felt he wasn't any of these.

Another little cosmic joke—Xander was the one I wanted.

But then there was guilt, and no touching, and... Faith.

I understand why Xander despised Oz so much. I despised Faith for the different reasons, but I still wished her dead every night.

I had Oz. He was good... really good. But my heart tells me that I'm missing out.

When Xander left... part of me left too. And I want it back.

_Put your name on the line _

_Along with place and time_

_Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical_

_Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well_

"Morning, sleepy."

Anya. Not the best thing that ever happened to me— and I do mean that in a completely passive way, as I had absolutely nothing to do with it—but definitely ranking. She knows what she's doing. I mean, _really_ knows what she's doing. And when I'm with her...

I'm completely miserable.

I've got my place now... in my parents basement. Yeah, that has to end. But I've got a good job, a good girlfriend, and a hobby that nearly gets me killed every night. Exciting, yet remarkably stable. Funny, I never figured me for the stable type.

In my heart, though, I always have been. My uncle's always told me that the Harris clan is full of one-women men. Love the guy, but where this Harris is concerned, he's dead wrong.

I like adventure and I like spice. Anya has both, and in spades. Anya has passion. Anya _is_ passion. And Anya loves me.

Misery loves company, I've been told, but in this case I am alone. I've always hated myself for one reason or another. But now, now that I have everything I ever dreamed of, I hate myself more than ever.

There's a hole in my world. The person I love is gone for good.

If you're thinking that I mean Anya, sorry. The lies we tell ourselves are the most honest of all... but I can't buy that one. I'm very... _fond_, to sound like Giles, of Anya. But she's not the one I love.

I understood when Oz left her. I hated him for it, but I got it. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, didn't want to do any more damage to the one person who mattered most.

That's why _I_ stayed away, as well.

"Morning baby."

_Here's to the nights we felt alive_

_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_

_Heres to goodbye _

_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

The lies we tell ourselves are the most honest of all. I'm thinking that one, now, and getting a really freaky sense of having said that before.

Only I haven't. I've never heard it before, but tonight it's strangely relevant.

I've always had a bit of a problem with guilt. I can't lie with a straight face and I always feel the need to apologize if I've wronged someone. I've been told that's one of my more charming characteristics.

Don't let that fool you, though. I'm a selfish bitch, deep down. An emotion-sucking vampire. Or a black hole. Yeah, a black hole sounds right.

I mean, that's why people keep leaving me. First Xander, then Oz... Tara, for a little while. Now Buffy. My head tells me that I'm being stupid, that they weren't all my fault. Shut up, head. I've listened to you for too long.

It's time for my heart to have it's say.

I love Tara. Nothing will change that, and in this sense, I am completely what I say I am. Look at me everybody! I'm gay now!

The guilt's there, though. I know that, beneath this proud, false bravado, there's still that part of me that's batting for the other team. I loved Oz, to some extent. And nothing will ever change that.

I loved Xander as fully as I knew how. And nothing will ever change that.

I still do. Love Xander, I mean. And not in the old, teen-crush-on-my-idol kinda way. It's totally taken a turn for the worst. I still want him. I just can't have him.

My desires broke up the first two actual dating relationships we ever had. I promised myself I'd never let that happen again.

Was I lying to myself? Maybe. Just a little bit.

But no. I love Tara. I loved Xander first, and still do. But Tara's the one I've decided to be with.

I just wish Buffy could hear this. She'd probably discount my emotional-vampire self-lying ramblings as Willow freaking out. Well, I'm not freaking out. Not anymore.

Buffy Summers, rest in peace.

Xander Harris, we'll get another chance someday. I promise.

_All my time is froze in motion _

_Can't I stay an hour or two or more_

_Don't let me let you go_

_Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well_

Willow's changed a lot.

But you say "Xander, you and Anya are an item." Not anymore. I, the King of Cretins, left her at the altar. So now... I'm thinking of Willow.

I see her in my mind, small and fragile, her powerful spirit shining forth in those eyes. Her eyes always made me happy, like they gave me a charge or something.

I can still see her, that first day I met her. She came in class in those cute little overalls, her red hear pulled back in a ponytail that bounced light everywhere. Like a disco ball.

But what got me was her eyes. The way they glowed when she smiled. The way they pleaded when she was sad.

The way they drew me into her life.

I'd been admiring her from a distance that day. It was the first day of school for both of us, she looked scared out of her mind. I got the feeling she hadn't been around too many people in her life, so I kept my distance.

We all sat at desks with buckets of crayons and stuff, ready to draw. Yeah, kindergarten. Go figure.

I noticed that the pretty little girl was sitting by herself, concentrating everything on that piece of paper.

She didn't notice me watching her though. Nobody ever really has, come to think of it. That's me, the invisible man.

Anyway, I was totally taken in by her. So when the crayon she was holding broke (and here I was doubting she could break _anything_), she looked around for someone to do something. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes, I had to do something.

So I, Alexander LaVelle (dear God I hate that name) Harris, did what no one else would- I went over and sat next to her. The tears stopped, and the rest, folks, is history.

Too bad it's not the history I would have wanted. I grew up being Willow's hero, her crush, her best friend. I knew, in the core of my being, that she loved me. And the fact that I did nothing, I repeat NOTHING simply certifies me for the crown. I am the King of Cretins.

So she grew up- I didn't. When we met Buffy, she had herself a new best friend, Oz became her hero, and Tara her confidant, then lover.

So where did I go during all of this?

Nowhere. I saw it all. I was there when Willow nearly died; I knew when she and Oz became... intimate; I was there when they broke up, when I didn't do a damn thing to ease her pain; when she and Tara fell in love, I saw- I accepted.

I treated her like shit her entire life. I wonder why she finds it so hard to love me then?

On the other hand, she treated me like a god my entire existence. I love her with my... well, with my everything.

Dammit.

Now Tara's dead. I was there too. And my sweet little Willow's off killing. And here I am, no power. No strengths to call out. Not a damned thing I can do.

I know this feeling sorry for myself is a childish thing to do. But then, I'm just a big kid.

The one thing, the _only_ thing I was ever good at was hurting her. You always hurt the ones you love, I guess. I bet she wishes I'd stopped a long time ago.

I can't stop. She's as much a part of me as I am.

Just for once I wish things would work out. Just for once I want to be her hero again, no matter how fleeting. Just for once I want to win. Just for once I would like to be the standing tall after a battle, proud of what I'd done.

Just for once I want to hold her in my arms. Just for once I wish she would love me. And by the same token, just for once I wish I could stop loving her. But that's never gonna happen.

I said that the only thing I was ever good at was hurting Willow. I lied. I'm good at one other thing. I'm good, very very good, at being in love with Willow... and hiding it.

See? All you other Cretins, sit down. Your king has arrived.

I'm walking now. Buffy and Dawn are in a hole, no rope, and Willow's going to destroy everything. Oh well. I've got somewhere to be.

If my Willow's gonna end the world, I want to be there. Doing the thing I've been afraid of.

Just for once, and believe me when I say that this once is now, I want to tell her that... I love her.

_Here's to the nights we felt alive  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

Another chance... that's what I promised myself. Maybe I was lying then.

I do that a lot, these days. Lie, I mean. To myself, to the scoobies... to Kennedy.

No, I don't love her. She pressed herself on me just as Anya did on Xander, years ago.

Anya. I'll miss her. That's not a lie. At the end, I think we had an understanding. We loved the same man. He just didn't love us.

Or, didn't love me.

He gave this big speech last year. Really saved me. Saved everyone. He pulled out the last stop, the trump card I never expected him to play.

He told me that he loved me.

I think he was lying, then. Lying to me's always been easy for him. But the lie was enough. I told myself, then, that he really did love me. That maybe, although the one bright spot in my life was gone, maybe I could have him back.

He obviously didn't feel that way.

So here we are, welcome to the Hotel California. It's not a lovely place at all. I hate it. It smells like cheap smoke and bad sex. It's a far cry from the crater I call home.

I could end it now, I suppose. No amount of power can fix this ache. No magic wand or Wiccan spell will make me right. Nothing can help me now.

Almost nothing, that is.

I hit the CD player once more.

_Here's to the nights we felt alive  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

I'm crying. Really, really crying. I haven't done _that _in awhile.

I don't think she heard me come in. I don't even know how long I've been standing here, watching my first and last love cry her eyes out.

_Damn you, Harris_.

She's looking up, now, but I don't think she's seeing me.

"Xander?"

Wrong again. "I heard the song."

She smiled through her tears. "Story of my life."

"Can I come in?"

"Since when have you needed an invite?"

I move to sit beside her. She leans up against my shoulder and I favor her with a one-eyed glance.

"How'd this happen?"

"The joke's on us, Wills. It always has been."

She laughed, a little. "I never thought it'd come out this way."

"What did you think?"

"Honestly? I think you know."

"You still want that, huh?"

"I never stopped wanting that."

"I don't think it's gonna happen."

"No. Probably not."

We stare ahead for an eternity before she speaks again.

"Xander?"

"Yeah, Wills?"

"What's standing in our way?"

The End


End file.
